Thursday, May 24, 2012

A Blonde, Brunette, And Ginger Decide To Rob A Farm......

just and FYI, this is a joke Izzy shared.

While they are robbing the farm, the police show up.  The Brunette hides behind a cow.  The Ginger hides behind a pig. And, the Blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes.

As the police proceed with their investigation, they come upon the cow.  The Brunette then "moos", and they move on.

The police then proceed onto the pig, where the Ginger "oinks".  And the police move on.

The police then come upon the sack of potatoes, and that is when the Blondes belts out "potatoes......"

And that was the end of the joke.

That joke followed a conversation regarding gummy bears. 

Izzy: "what do gummy bears urinate?" (urinate was changed to improve the nature of the conversation)

Me: "ummmmmmmmmm"

Izzy:  "yellow kool-aid"

Me: laughing, because I don't know what else to do.

Oh, what sixth grade brings to the life of a family......

This afternoon was followed up with slurpees for the kids, and wine for me.

Needlesss to say, I have high hopes for our future....

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Sound Of Retreat

Ever since The Battle Hymn Of A Tiger Mother was published, I kind of wanted to find my own battle hymn to march to.  So, I thought about it and thought about it.  The best I could come up with was The Maddening Rants Of The Chihuahua Mom. 

In all honesty, I have no battle hymn.  My soundtrack is more like the kind of background noise you hear on those Japanese obstacle course game shows.  And somewhere along the lines I end up slimed.

I'm more of a disorganized frazzled cluttered mess of a Mom.  When the automatic doors to my swagger wagon open, something usually falls out.  Laundry is always a mountain range that rivals the Himalayas.  And my routine still involves a great deal of distraction and then a defeated procrastination.

My mornings are sleepy kids, forced teeth brushing, and a long desire to get them out the door.  There is no squeezing in an extra twenty minutes of cardio, or listening to Izzy belt out a fantastic rendition of whatever on her trumpet.  Goodness, no, we sooo do not need that at 6:30.

I then spend a ridiculous amount of time surveying the damage, and agonizing over where I should start.  I would love to vacuum, but that would require clearing out the wreckage that was yesterday afternoon. 

I have chore charts, and even a home management binder.  I make a weekly menu, for meals.  And I even purge on a regular basis.  Yet my home resembles a toysr'us from tornado alley more than it does a pottery barn catalog.

I envy the Mom's who show up to volunteer at school all done up, usually I am the one that shows up with wet hair and a wrinkled top.  But hey, I showered!

After school is filled with negotiations and conquering the latest of school projects.  Snacks, are planned out but not always executed in the manner in which I had intended. 

I mean well, but there is a missing variable in my algorithm that causes a great deal of chaos to not be contained.

I'm great at creating paper bombs and color coded laundry piles.  I rock it out when it comes to losing permission slips.  And I am very accomplished at forgetting to leave the door unlocked so the tooth fairy can get in.  There were a few times where I also told the tooth fairy the wrong kid, in regards to who lost a tooth most recently. 

So, there you have it.  We are the house with the not so well maintained lawn.  Inside you will see a cluster of Legos and Barbie explosions.  Lunch dishes are still in the sink, and somewhere I am searching for that permission slip so one of the kids can go with their class somewhere.  Oh wait, I know where it is, I sent it in with Moops!  Too bad it was intended for Izzy.


We seem to be happy though.  Imaginations are in charge and while I live in a virtual battle ground, littered with Lego Shrapnel and Popsicle stick earthworks.  I have convinced myself that all of our clutter is more for security purposes than it is lack of consistency in regards to picking up after ourselves.  After all, what kind of criminal picks the house where he can't get in and out without tripping over shoes, toys and backpacks?

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Why You Should Pick Me To End Up Stranded With On A Desert Island......

1.  I grew up watching MacGyver.... 

2.  I can cook, even without modern conveniences, like electricity, gas or running water.  And yes, it tastes good too.

3.  I talk to myself often in a kind of quirky maddening way.  I could be a live sitcom!

4.  I know how to make alcohol.  I googled it. 

5.  I tan well.

6.  I know how to weave baskets and shit like that.

7.  I watched enough Bob Villa and read enough Architectural Digest, that I am pretty confident I could build a rockin' hut. 

8.  Given a few weeks of the desert island diet, I'm sure I could rock a sea shell bikini and grass skirt!

9.  I watched several seasons of lost.  I'm confident that I could survive that sort of island, especially since I am capable of common sense. 

10.  I could use a vacation.....

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Did You Know Godzilla Is Fictional?

That means not real.  Talking pigeons with white collars are fictional too. 

This would be the wise words of Moops.

Moops also lost a tooth.  And when I say lost it, I mean he really lost it.  We can't find it anywhere.  I think he swallowed it.  The Tooth Fairy says not to worry about it, we don't need to look for it anymore, the gap in his mouth is evidence enough. 

Today was also grocery day.  They had Goat.  I intend to harass my kids about Goat this weekend as part of my Mother's Day festivities.

I also got to fur baby sit.  Pixie was quite confused when her humans left for the day.

Ike fell off a chair and bit through his tongue.

Pixie really misses her humans. 

Alex had a big field trip today as well.  He got to ride on a charter bus and eat lunch at a buffet.  Now that it is chore time, he is REALLY REALLY tired.  I don't blame him though, he had to be at school a full hour early, and that meant he had to wake up early.  I'm tired too.

In other news....  I cleaned the oven.  It was pretty gross.  I chose not to share pics, because well they were gross.

Ike is now having a melt down.  It reminds me of when he was a baby and would scream himself to sleep.  I don't miss those nights.  I don't want to relive them. 

I think I will have a glass of wine now.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Slap Happy Sunday

This was one of those weeks that really tested my Mommy Endurance.  The whole month of May is like Mommy Endurance Month, there is so much going on, it's hard to decipher what is legit and what is just tacked on for shits and giggles. 

I did realize, that there needs to be a separate bank account for kids monetary needs, for things like Teacher Appreciation Week, End of Year Parties, and Izzy's library fines. 

This week is Teacher Appreciation Week, which also happens to be Field Day week, which is promptly followed with End of Year Party week.  Somewhere in there is Mother's Day, yesterday's Cinco De Mayo, The opening of the neighborhood pool, my cousin's wedding, my friends' (plural, cause I figured I should befriend all the lawyers I can for the day I truly snap) law school graduation, my Birthday, Memorial Day, and the Indy 500.  And to finish off the month right, The last Day of school.  I know I'm forgetting something in there too.  Oh yeah, Alex gets his cast off, Ike goes to the dentist, and I think there are immunizations in there too.

This month should also be called "Go For Broke" Month.  Why?  Because all of the schools are going for the jugular of your bank account.  Each day of Teacher Appreciation Week, has a different theme.  Bring a flower for your teacher, make a card, bring in a small token of your appreciation.  I can foresee an Army of teachers paying for their next meal out, with multiple gift cards to their favorite restaurant, or standing in line at Target with a stack of plastic only to be rivaled only by a "Real Housewife of La la Lands" credit card stack.

Now, in addition to this, the kids have already checked out of school mentally.  They are already on "Summer Break" even if their alarm clocks (I mean me) are still set for 6:30.  Neighbors' pools are currently over populated with kids who are ready for the neighborhood pool to be open, but still has 2 weeks off.  Homework is a four letter word times two.  And the damn temperature hit 90.  Brains have fried, tank tops and flip flops have been released from their captive storage boxes, and stock in sun block has kept Wall Street afloat.

Mom's across the country are transitioning from the current school year menu planning, to Summer Menu stock piling.  Popsicles, Abundant snacks and water bottles.  Towels and swim gear replacing after school activities.  Summer Camp registrations, and supply lists in hand.  It's ON!

Meltdowns, oof, the meltdowns.  I think the combination of heat and hormones is something that ranks up there with menopause.  Izzy had one yesterday, that lasted for HOURS.  And no amount of parental torture got her back on track. By the end of the day, computers were confiscated, solitary confinement was enacted, and threats of social estrangement were all thick and heavy swirling around poor Izzy. 

Moops has now figured out the whole "faking" sick deal.  Every morning starts off with a stomach ache, ear infection, or the threat of puke. 

Alex, he is just "DONE!".

And Ike is still relatively oblivious to what is going on. 

What a fun month May is....

Thursday, May 3, 2012

I Forgot To Title This

I lost track of time today, and was late picking up Alex and Moops from school.  Normally they ride the bus, but I had agreed to pick them up.  Unfortunately my brain only got part of the message, and it didn't occur to me until the bus passed our house that I was supposed to have already picked them up.  D'OH!

I felt really really really bad, that I did that.  That was until I got to the school and found that I was not the only ditzoid Mom to have dropped the ball.  In fact, a few of Moops' classmates were right there with him.  That helped and now I only feel really really bad.

I did bake bread though, and it came out great.  And I made meatballs from scratch.  The intention was meatball subs for dinner.  Instead the boys opted for meatballs separate and butter on their bread.  Le Sigh.

And Izzy had her end of year band concert.  It was a chorus/band production.  I'm pretty sure the Choir Director is the same age as I am, because all of the songs he had his kids sing were songs I remember from when I was younger.  His homage to Michael Jackson was pretty nifty, and even better when the kid who was moon walking, tripped over his own shoe.  And there was another kid at the opposite end of the choir that was definitely dancing to his own melody.  He could have helped the kid in the middle who wasn't pulling anything off at all.

The band was great too, although the music they played was intentionally ambiguous.  Izzy was in the thick of it though, trumpet and peace sign headband.  I'm really proud of her.  We are soooo close to surviving the Sixth Grade.  Then we get to head into Seventh.  Oof!

And Reggie is missing.  Last Moops' heard from him, Reggie was mad about not having anymore Life Cereal.  I think that was because Moops can't remember shoving him behind the playroom couch, where Reggie is still wedged.

And in just a few moments, it will be Frieday.  I'm not sure if I should be relieved or nervous that the past few weeks are flying by.  Alex would argue though, yesterday he stated that minutes had turned into hours and hours into days.  And I was thinking "holy crap, I'm late for jiu jitsu, Dinner is going to be late, I forgot to change out the laundry in the machine, and I still can't find Ike's other sneaker....."

Speaking of Laundry......