My Grandmother Says A Pyromaniac Started The Christmas Tree Tradition....

I was redecorating the tree today, because the first attempt was ummmmm.  Yeah.  Somewhere around the halfway point of the first attempt, Izzy got tired of stringing lights, and the huge wad of lights she shoved into a hole in the branches was starting to bug me....

So, I spent a good 30 minutes pulling off the lights.  Then I double checked to make sure they all worked.

About halfway through restringing the tree, I too got tired of it.  So, I rushed a bit.  Turned the lights on, and found that only HALF of the damn lights worked. 

So, I then flocked my tree with packing peanuts, and now brand the theme of my tree as "Maternally Deranged"......  Because well, it works!  Bonus, no expensive ornaments were shattered in the decorating of the tree.  They are all still in the box from last year, we haven't made it that far yet.

See the gaping black hole?  That would be where the lights don't work. 

I then started thinking.  Thinking is not necessarily a good thing.  I was thinking though, because I had time off of work, and a strong desire to ignore laundry.

Frustration + Thinking = an even worse outcome

Frustrated with the lights, and the tree, and the fact that so many of us obsess over displaying a tree drenched in lights inside our house.  My brain wandered.  And I like History.

So then we had......

(Frustration + Thinking + History)Wandering= Not FOIL but Crazy Theory Moment.

Then I added my Grandmother into the Equation.  And well you need 3 MIT Math Experts and a bottle of Schnapps to figure that equation out. 

I shared my theory of the Christmas Tree with my Grandmother.  Mine including an Alien Civilization with a Sense Of Humor.

My Grandmother, she one upped me. 

We first discussed the History of the Christmas Tree.  Which has Pagan Roots in Germany during time of great darkness and ridiculous cold weather.  IE The Middle Ages.....

In an attempt to celebrate the Winter Solstice.  What would go on, is someone would go out and set trees on fire, then everyone would celebrate.  I'm sure alcohol was involved.  And no I did not Wikipedia my information, so I can not reference the accuracy of what I am sharing.   

Well then Monks showed up, and got all these Pagan types into Christianity.  Except for when it came to the Winter Solstice.  So, in an attempt to keep these new Christians, the adopted the "Christmas Tree".

Many hundreds of years since the first Pyromaniac started the tradition, of setting trees on fire.  We, as a great and evolved civilization, have taken the tradition not only World Wide, but also indoors.......  And even to this day, in Germany, many families erect a tree, decorate it and then set it on fire.........  Other families opt for strings of lights.  But you get the idea.

We then moved on to Thanksgiving.  My Grandmother says the Pilgrims didn't eat Pumpkin Pie then, and probably not Green Bean Casserole either.

But she does agree with me, when it comes to Stone Henge......  Aliens were definitely involved then.  And the Druids were just as perplexed as we are today......  The same for Crop Circles....  And Twinkies.....

I should go to bed now.  I have to work tomorrow.

Here Comes Santa Claus Here Comes Santa Claus....

Right for my bank account.

I "think" I am almost done with gifts.  I have successfully screwed up a few, because, well what is Christmas without at least one big glaring mistake?  In my defense, this is one of many reasons we did not name any of our children after relatives, living or dead.

Instead, we opted for Historic Figures in history.  And you know what, that has allowed for some scary realizations on our part.

Such as the fact that my 10 year old has a War Table in the middle of his bedroom, barracades flanking the bedroom door, AND he has made several remarks regarding Waterloo......  No, we didnt name him Napoleon (maybe we should have).  We named him after Alexander The Great and Ulysses S. Grant...... 

Our lovely Daughter was named after 2 Strong Feminine Leaders......  Yeah, do I really need to go there?

And then there is Moops.  Now, Moops is named after a very successful investor and a prolific American President, formally.  But, Moops happened to get nick named Moops because my anesthesiologist made my epidural magical, and that one Episode of Seinfeld with Bubble Boy just happened to be on when he crowned.....  Moops is a very unique little dude.

And then there is Ike.  It took a lot to get Ike named.  For one, I wanted him to be called Ike.  BUT I didn't want his formal name to be Dwight.  Please note.......  I was pregnant with my 4th child, any and/or all reasonable sense was long gone.......  Im allowed to be crazy now.  I have my certificate stating such. 

So, after a great deal of research.  Ok.  So, The Hubs had a moment of Clarity and Googled Ike.  Turns out Ike is a nick name for Isaac.  And well heck there is a famous Scientist names Isaac Newton. 

Woohoo!  I got my Ike. 

Now, ask what his middle name is......

The Hubs, he wanted Xerxes. 

Don't worry, he didnt get Xerxes. 

I can Gaurantee, that under our tree, no one will be wondering which John, William or David the gift is actually for.

But I can't gaurantee that Alex wont stage some sort of Military Coup when he comes of age.....  Sorry about that.

Well, The Tree Is Up

This was no easy task.  You see, we had tenants living in our house for a few years, while we ping ponged our way around the state.  They left a few items behind when they moved.  One being their tree, which is what I dragged up the stairs from the basement, only to be told that it was the wrong tree.  GRRRRR

I then located and wrestled up the correct tree.  I dragged it up from the basement, and the kids took over from there....

This picture is important.  I want you to believe me when I state my livingroom WAS clean....

I was all for celebrating Festivus this year, and just sticking with the above.  But the kids were not amused.

This is my livingroom now. 

This is Moops, yesterday before the Holiday Party we attended.  He has informed me that this is how he wants to dress everyday, from now on.....

We live in the South, snow is not common.  So, we improvise...

Here is Moops trying to return Ike for a model that is not "broken"

I know what I will be vacuuming up for the next 20 years.....

Perspective

This week has been one of those weeks where banging my head against a brick wall would be a relief...

We are 18 days from Christmas, the kids KNOW this, their internal Countdown To Santa Clock is better tuned than that ginormous univesal atomic clock thing they keep the world's time with.

There is then the ridiculous amount of candy that is being fed to them by their teachers.  My only hope is that this candy thing is in truth just a nasty cycle that no one has figured out how to stop yet.  They give candy to our kids hoping that in turn that sugar high will crash just as we are in the middle of TaeWonSoccerPiano lessons.  Just as their kid is also crashing while in the middle of Dance Dance Car Pool.

And you know what sucks.  It's only Wednesday....  That means I have 2 more days of this, before I get to sleep in past 6. 

With that comes the necessity to keep things in perspective.  I have to force myself to remember that my kids do not have the accumulation of experiences for their actions that I have.  Like what happens when you shove a sponge into the faucet of the bathtub and then turn on the water.  My Daughter now knows that Mom will scream at you like a freight train.....

So, I have decided to compile a list for kids to utilize when they are deciphering whatever it is their parents are screaming at them....

1.  "What The Hell" equals "oh shit I remember what happened when I did that, and it wasn't good'.....
2.  "Stop The Fighting" equals "This must be Karma making up for all the fighting I did as a kid".....
3.  "For Crying Out Loud" equals "Have we not figured this out yet, I just yelled at you 5 seconds ago.  Do we need to have your memory checked?"......
4.  "For The Love of All Mighty" equals "I need a stiff drink or a brick wall to get through this".....
5.  "What Do You Mean.......?"  equals "This one is new, even for me"....
6.  "Ill Give You Something To Cry About!" equals "Cause if I don't I will wind up crying/going mad/both"...
7.  "I Said NO"  equals  "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"
8.  "Because I Said So!" equals "Why didnt you just stop when I said "NO"?"...
9.  "No You Can't Have That."  this usually means you already ate whatever it is they wanted and its all gone.  Or you are saving it for after they go to bed.....
10.  "UGH! UGH! UGH!"  equals "Mommy is done now, a bottle of her favorite fermented juice and mindless dribble on TV is all that will soothe her now"..........

What totally sucks about today is

1. I have no fermented juice tonight, and since it is cold and I had all 4 kids crashing from their sugar highs on our way home from dropping off our carpool load and jiu jitsu.  I wasn't going to even try to stop for some.
2.  Im also all out of any kind of treat I could eat that I hid from the kids so I could eat it after they go to bed....
3.  It's too cold to go outside and bang my head on our brick siding
4.  I ran out of a show I was watching on Netflix and am now in need of finding a new show to watch mindlessly.
5.  I have effectively removed all sponges from sink/bath tub areas......
6.  45 minutes in the car with all 4 of my kids plus the kid from the carpool herd arguing over whether doing nothing is something or nothing or even a task....
7.  Fortunately no one cried today, but Ike has resorted to just giving me the pouty lip anytime we make eye contact.
8.  Moops was in time out for a collective 30 minutes, in a one hour time span.  He kept climbing the walls at Jiu Jitsu, even after doing his time out repeatidly...
9.  We fortunately had no "What do you mean?" moments today.  Whew!
10.  No was said a lot, not accepted, but it was said....  A LOT.

It's Monday

The beginning of the week.

We are 3 weeks from Christmas and 2 weeks from school being out.  It was my 5th graders teachers great idea to supply copious amount of candy through out the next "12 days of school" to the students, none of which they are allowed to eat until school is "over for the day".  I think next year, if we encounter this "arrangement" I will willingly allow my kids to have Cocoa Puffs and Espresso before they start school each day preceding the "12 days of School".  By the time they get home, they will crash and I will only have to come up with 12 excuses as to why homework was not completed.  Hmmmmm, where should I begin?

1. Rudolph ate it.
2. My Mom needed something to light the fireplace, math homework was the most flammable.....
3. There was reindeer poop left on our front porch, so mom covered it with my science homework and used what was left of my math homework to set it on fire.....
4.  We ran out of toilet paper...
5.  It was either language arts or my Mom maintaining her sanity.  And I have to live with my Mom....
6.  My Dad drove me to school, got to work, realized I was still in the car.  So here is my note excusing my absence on the account that I am now OSHA certified....
7.  I got lost in Macy's and it took my parents 4 days to find me.  I lived off of Godiva and water fountains..... Im not feeling so hot.
8.  My Legos took over my mind and now Im not sure if I am human or plastic.
9.  My Mom went shopping on Black Friday and never came back...
10. My Dad went to put up the lights, startled my Mom and she shot his eyes out with my BB gun. He is blind now, and I must guide him through life.  Mom never mentioned she was an expert marksman....
11.  Uhhhh Ummmmmm
12.  Here, we all pitched in and got you a gift certificate to cruise the Caribbean.  All we ask in return is Straight A's and free candy for the rest of the year!....

Happy Holidays!

Christmas Newsletter 2011

Seasons Greetings To You All!

Just a quick note before I move onto my annual update. We have moved, again.  And we will continue moving until everyone who writes addresses into their address book with permanent ink change their ways and switch to pencil.  So, I BEG of you, please use pencil to update contacts.  AND while you are at it, if you still have our previous address from 2005, just go ahead and mark that one as current.  We are on a repeat tour of Stepford Of The South, as we are running out of locations to relocate to in this State.  Had we just stayed in Texas, that would have never been an issue, plenty of space there....

Now, on to the regularly scheduled Annual Family Update.

We are all doing great, no one was permanently injured, lost, or tattoed.  Although The Hubs is threatening to tattoo some sort of crazy dragon across his back and channel his inner street fighter.

We now have 3 out of 4 of our kids in school, we chose public school hoping that they would blend in enough that they could not be easily picked out in the event of a lineup.  So far so good. 

Izzy is now in middle school, and with that comes a whole new level of awkward.  I now truly understand the concept of middle school, and that would be it is used as a Quarantine of sorts.  Preteens are too dangerous to release into the General Population of Childhood, yet not quite ready to be released into the wilds of High School.  I visit the middle school sparingly, as I am never sure what I will encounter when I do. 

Izzy is also learning how to play the Trumpet.  Thanks to the likes of Mr Evil Band Director, we upgraded instruments and went from Flute to Trumpet in the matter of no notice what so ever.  Izzy is enjoying the Trumpet though, and she will be performing in her first concert on Tuesday.  I believe they are playing Mating Of The Moose (same melody as Mary Had A Little Lamb) and Train Derailment (it is amazing how accurate they have made their rendition).

Alex is finishing up his final year of Elementary School, and it's been a hit and miss year.  He is also currently learning Jiu Jitsu, we decided it would be a great skill to master, given the extreme sarcastic nature and lack of size Alex has been handed in life.  He has also realized the concept of Capitalism and graciously embraced the lifestyle.  It's weird to see a 10 year old that driven, and that good at it.

Moops is now in Kindergarten and channeling his inner extrovert.  We are not entirely sure how it happened, but Moops has ability to make friends with everyone.  He is also a very focused little guy and has set his sights on overachieving and raising the bar for Kindergartners to come, ie his little brother Ike.  Moops' current goal is to be so well behaved that they have to add a new color to the behavior chart just for him.  It's great that he is so well behaved, but not so great that he has turned it into a competition.  Because I always worried I would be the Mom of the kid that set the school on fire, I was prepared for that.....

Speaking of that kid that would set the school on fire.....  Ok, no he wouldn't, at least I don't think he would.

Ike is still at home, and he likes it that way.  He lounges in bed long after all the others have caught the bus.  He sneaks in and plays with Alex's Legos, and alters them just enough to drive him batty.  And then gets lost in his imagination, often finding himself stuck in or under something.

The Hubs is doing well himself, he too is taking Jiu Jitsu, along with stick and knife fighting.  Im waiting for the day the ER calls for me to come and pick him up...

I started working this fall, and now learning to juggle that with family.  I dropped a plate last week, so its back to starting up all over again and hopefully I wont drop a ball or kid with this next attempt......

So, Happy Holidays from our Family to yours.  Remember to switch to pencils when updating your address book.  And don't eat the yellow snow.

Love,

Maternally Deranged

Moments Of Mommy Failure

We all have them, on occasion.  In my experience these failures occur mostly when your brain is functioning faster than your body.  It's like your brain checks off the list of tasks before your body reacts to the order.

Like when you are attempting to get 4 kids into your car, all of their belongings, and your purse.  Check.  Check.  Doh!  Im sorry annoyed cashier person, my wallet is still at home........

Or, when you are in the process of cooking with your kids, and you have 8 busy hands "helping".  As you put ingredients away, you wonder why you have more eggs than anticipated.  20 minutes later you realize the eggs never made it into cupcakes, and you will be serving iced hockey pucks to Moops' class for his birthday......

And then there are those moments where you even plan AHEAD, are diligent about your actions and utilitize all OCD organizational tools available to you.  And maybe even, you get up 30 minutes early to insure you are on top of it all.  Only to greet your 5 year old as he steps off the bus wearing only a t-shirt in freezing temperatures.  You then sigh deeply and ask if he forgot his jacket at school.  He says "nope, I never had it", and you are totally perplexed.  And then as you walk in through your frontdoor, hanging to the left is his jacket.  The one you fished out in advance and set next to the door so you would not foget. 

Now, that is what is called a Mommy Fail.

These Mommy Fails are different than Daddy Fails.  For one, Moms tend to feel lifelong afflicted overwhelming guilt and shame for these missteps in parenting.  Dads, are less likely to feel guilty over these incidents, they shake it off and move on.

Now Daddy Fails, those are different.  And well, Dads probably do not consider them Fails either.  They view them more as anal retentive expectations bestowed upon them by their OCD PMSing Spouse....  Some good examples would be the little girl following Daddy through a store, wearing only her tights and top.  The skirt was determined excess and omitted from the previously arranged laid out ensemble left by the OCD PMSing Spouse.  Handing your 4 year old a can of fruit, instead of spooning fruit into bowl, the intention is to save yourself from having to wash dishes.  Your OCD PMSing Spouse does not agree. 

Now, if you will excuse me.  Izzy is in need of assistance with staying on task, of she will risk what is called a Homework Fail......