Friday, April 13, 2012

School Of Mom

In light of the fact that my Sister is now expecting, there of course is chattering.  And lots of window shopping, eye balling all that we can spoil the little one with.  I myself have 6 over flowing bins of little boys clothes ready to be worn again.  I think I have a bag full of little girls things as well.  It's been a while.  No worries, if there is a girl to be born.  There is Target.  Giggle..... snort.  Bwah ha ha ha.....

There is a lot of reminiscing going on, a lot of previous experience conjured up, a lot of opinion festering and waiting to be released in tsunami form towards my ever so unprepared sister. 

And of course that got me thinking about being a new Mom.

I will be honest.  I went into parenthood completely oblivious.  Maybe it was Mommy Brain that took over, and perhaps that is why there is not one universal publication in regards to child rearing.  Maybe as a Mother, we rely too heavily on instinct until it is too late.  And then we realize, "shit, we should have listened when the school had the puberty assembly.".

I do know we all have our differing opinions in regards to how a child should be raised.  So, I figured, in a vain attempt to get my point across, I would share mine here.

1.   Guaranteed, we are all clueless.  I'm convinced that even those that pretend to know what they are doing, are faking it.

2.  It is OK to get mad at your kid.  In fact, I think it is a necessary experience.  Not only for the kid, but also for the parent.  It is OK to get pissed off.  It is OK to pace about  and come up with ways to get them to comprehend their actions (even if it is duct tape and jalapenos that pop into your head).  And it is necessary to understand that the only way a kid will learn right from wrong is to see when they have pissed their parent off enough to override every atom of unconditional love in their parents body, that they then feel the need to put their child in check.  There is nothing more scary than a really mad mom, not even Darth Vader.

3.  Potty training is the easy part.  It may seem like the most horrible experience on the planet. but that is because you haven't experienced puberty yet.

I think my neighbors wife is now nekkid.  Or at least on the verge of her own girls gone wild video.  In defense of the neighbors who do follow me on facebook, I'm pretty sure it is not you.  Unless of course you are drunk and reliving your sorority days in Jim's back yard on April's Friday 13th, 2012. 

OK.  Fireworks and cheering.  I'm missing out....

Oh wait, being that I am terrible with names.  Are any of you named Jim?

4. You will be puked, pissed and pooped on.  Guaranteed, like taxes and death, not like satisfaction.

5.  Everyone is an expert. Even those that don't have kids.

6.  Grandparents like being grandparents for 3 reasons.  First, they can give the kid what they wanted to give to you, but refrained with fear of what it would do to you.  Second, Revenge; see adolescence.  Third, Unconditional love without the repercussions.....  It's worse than crack.

Wow!  My neighbors are really going at it....

7. No one warns you, because they are afraid.  Seriously.  Either they're right, and you are evil for not intervening.  Or they are 7,000 leagues under oblivion and refuse to accept the fact that it is indeed their kid that is stalking the neighborhood wearing a motorcycle helmet and wielding an air soft gun.

8.  Organic Free Range Vegan Fed Breast Is Best, but who can refuse a Big Mac....

9.  The minute sperm hits egg, it's all down hill.  Or uphill, depending on how you were like previously.  It really all depends on the lottery.  In many ways more than just money.

10.  Well, I like top ten lists.  And I got to Nine.  So, I figured....

Good Night Y'all, I have to work in the morning.  Wish me luck.......  It's been one heck of a Frieday.

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