Sunday, April 1, 2012

It's About Damn Time!

Eleven and a half years ago, a new generation was born for our family.

And for eleven and a half years, both sides of Grandparents only had my children to spoil and corrupt.

Well, that is now no longer the case.  My Sister is going to be a Mommy!  And even more important, I am going to be an Auntie!

I thought I would take this moment and share with my Sister some very pertinent information regarding what being a Mommy means.  And I'll throw in some Daddy info too, for her Hubby.

1.  Learn to say NO now!  Not only will every other word you utter to your child, from toddler until they are moved out, will be NO.  But you will also have the rest of the population of this planet, and some questionable life forms from somewhere else, telling you HOW to be a parent.  If Britax has it there way, your child will be rear facing in a five point harness until he/she has children of their own.  The age of sixteen, it is safe to turn them forward facing.  But, then you will also have to teach them to drive.

2.  You will receive more advice than you can process.  Which is probably why there is NO universal manual as to how to raise your child.  Although, Ill be honest, I'm pretty darn convinced that Alicia Silverstone went a little too far with chewing up her son's food for him and then feeding him parakeet style. 

3.  Sleep now and forever pray for peace.

4.  Just an FYI.  If there was ever something Mom was meant to do, she was meant to be a Grandma.  And from this point on, you will have to worry about what she finds that she can give to her grandchild.  And she will feed them absolutely everything you don't want them to have.  And their ain't a damn thing you can do about it. 

5.  You do realize that I am totally going to love on this little baby until it poops or pukes, then I'm handing it back to you. 

6.  You will encounter total whackadoo strangers who will notice your wee one is fussy and attempt to deblouse you so you can nurse in public.  And there will be someone who is stalking the whackadoo, so they can scream at you for over exposing.  And then when your kid is older they will focus on other things, like when your kid picks their nose and then eats it.  Or when you take your child to dinner wearing a cape and cowboy boots, because you were just too damn tired to argue with Captain Obvious about social etiquette and when it is appropriate to cross dress imaginary friends.  And opting for formula will not deter the whackadoo.  Study up on People of Walmart, lots of whackadoos there.

7.  The hardest part of parenting is not your child, but other people and their kids.  This is where I admit that the Duggars probably have it right.  They live in the middle of nowhere, home school their kids and vacation in rural isolated third world locations.  They don't have to contend with the next door neighbors kindergartner toting the newest of apple products.  Nor total strangers that smell funny informing you that there is a conspiracy involving ketchup. 

8.  Pureed corn will do things to your child that equate to them pooping an atomic bomb.  The smell and consistency of corn fed baby poop is right up there with what you puked up at your bachelorette party.  Possibly worse.

9.  Your other sister and I have been conspiring behind your back and intend to give your child some crazy funky nickname. 

10.  Guaranteed Nickelodeon will have some show that irritates you to oblivion and totally enthrall your children all at once. 

Ok.  Ill let you absorb and come to terms.  Many Congratulations! 

No comments:

Post a Comment