Thursday, September 15, 2011

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.

Yesterday I was very close to accomplishing the impossible.  Compacting the life cycle of a juvenile human spawn into an 18 hour span.  Had I only encountered an infant and a screaming toddler, I would have set a new record.  And I even got up early too!

Starting at a ridiculous 5:45 am in the morning, I woke my Beautiful Daughter up so she could finish the chores she blew off the night before.  She was none too happy with waking up at such a ridiculous hour, BUT she did get her chores done.  And in record time.  And with very little resistance.  Wait a sec, I might be onto something here.  Hmmmmmmmmm

Izzy had a field trip that required our arrival at her school an hour earlier than usual.  That is where I encountered 500 some middle school students.  It was also where I realized why middle school exists.  There is just a level of awkward with in that environment that requires an educational quarantine.  Lots of gentle giants who have yet to hone in their skills in a vertical and upright position.  And too many very small angry little dudes frustrated with their lack of spurts in the growth department.  There is then that discombobulated lab experiment of too much deodorant and not quite enough.  And a stunted bewildered dose of puberty. 

*Just A Little Side Note*  I now understand that Izzy's teacher wasn't being funny when she literally wrote out "make sure your kid is wearing deodorant" right after the sunscreen reminder.

You have to keep this sort of creature out of the elementary schools where most of the kids are still cute and close enough to the ground that their center of balance is not dangerously compromised.  And there is just absolutely no way you could herd them into a high school without a very definite adverse reaction.  Think Chrenobel by way of Band Camp, with a heavy dollop of B.O.

With Izzy off on a major excursion with 500 of her nearest and dearest middle school buddies.  It was off to the elmentary school.

2 hours, 300 copies and a stiff debate with a 5 year old about the poop in his pants.  I experienced the lower half of elementary school.  And I realized excell is a necessary skill to learn, if one is to be an effective room parent.  It was a fun time, we learned the Tasting Poem, I mastered the copy machine, and I watched as the nurse convinced the Pooper that his elbow would stop hurting if he changed his pants.  I wonder what her conversations are like with her Husband.

I came home long enough to realize that I almost forgot that I had a meeting with some of the teachers of the upper classmen for the school.  That too was entertaining, and from what I understand 5th Graders seem to prefer to protest rather than debate. 

With 5th grade tackled, I went for a repeat session with the middle schoolers.  My Beautiful Daughter brought along her friend, who amazingly enough has more in common with my 5 year old in regards to TV Show preferences.  Unlike Izzy, she has not bought into the whole Toddlers And Tiaras craze and has no desire for big hair, or bedazzled heels.  She is more of a mindless cartoon dribble kinda gal.

From there, I felt invincible.  I had lasted 12 hours without even so much as twitch developing.  So off to the grocery I go, with all 4 of my kids in tow.  And I encounter the highschool student pretending to be an effective employee specimen.  He too still struggled with vertical standing, but he did at least grow into his head, and almost his ears.  I think another year, and he might actually walk upright.  He was polite enough, and even muttered a few conversational phrases.  But then he called me "Mom, I mean Ma'am" and all was lost.  Le Sigh.

There is just so much to kids, it really is overwhelming.  And to observe all the various degrees of evolution, in such a short time span.  It is really quite exhilerating, that is until you wake up the next day and realize around 4 in the afternoon that you are not sore from all the productivity you accomplished the day before.  But because you over exposed yourself not only to human spawn, but also the germs that associate themselves with such densely populated environments.

Le Sniffle. 

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